Heart surgery? Yeah, not so fun.

What a hiatus I've had. I like to think of it as a half-year sabbatical in which I've been doing research and also enjoying life. More enjoying life than doing research but I still had a few things happen while I've been away.

Unless you're a complete moron you will have already gathered that, yes, I did have heart surgery during my little vacation. Before you assume that my life has been filled with nothing but Big Macs and milkshakes since my day of birth, I will point out that it was not a bypass surgery and that the surgery was required because of something with which I was born. I won't get into too many details since I'm not interested in being your own personal reality-TV show so let's move on.

Heart surgery pretty much lived up to my expectations. Pain? Yes. Lying around like a cripple? Yes. Everyone doting on me and acting like I'm the second coming of the big JC? YES!

So it definitely had its good and bad sides. The pain was really excruciating for the first few days and I was taking more drugs than Anna Nicole Smith for a period of time so I was a raging monster when someone didn't understand the gibberish I was shouting at them. I also kept imagining that a clown was drinking my water in the hospital so that didn't do much to brighten up my mood either.

Still, I got tons of gifts, people kept visiting and, sure Mr. Clown Man was waiting when I came down from my high but, for the few hours that the drugs were working, I was a glorious, glorious king.

And now I'm back. I know you're excited but, please, keep the fan mail to a minimum. Once I get into the habit of writing frequently again, I'll be too busy dealing with hate mail.

Ahh, it's great to be back!

Sometimes Grandma knits in the nude.

When I was in university it was discovered that someone with whom I went to high school did a porn video for a Canadian website. One of the porn fanatics from Thorold found it and it quickly spread around to all the Thorold High alumni. I myself only saw the thirty second preview which was hilarious in a way that only a porn can be because it attempted a plot - well, sorta.

A shy bookworm is reading at the library when a horrible lesbian vixen comes up to her and asks her about the book she's reading. The shy bookworm is, well, shy and bookish when the vixen says, "You know, I have books at my house. If you want to come and read them." Porn logic dictates that the shy bookworm will then leave the house of books she is currently in, known as the LIBRARY, and make her way to a sexy stranger's house to be seduced. And she is, of course. They get their lesbian freak on and at the end of it all, the shy bookworm (sans glasses now, if there was any doubts) looks up at the camera and asks, "Got any more books?"

I guess that porn video fulfills a need for men who want a geeky, quiet but ultimately horny librarian of their own to ravish. Thinking about this fetish would also explain this blog about knitting porn. (Link is NSFW!) I actually looked at the site, for research purposes, and it's not something that turns me on (even when it's a hot man surrounded by knitting materials) and I guess it makes knitting cooler. For some reason, I can't bring myself to hate on this site.

Unlike the porn that my former classmate starred in, this doesn't reek of female exploitation since, firstly, it's a woman running the site and a lot of the photos are tasteful and interesting. Most of the women are not replicas of Barbie and the overall vibe is that this a site for women to celebrate the potential sexiness of knitting while also enjoying the many forms that the female body can take. I don't think that many men would go to this site for typical pornography purposes at all. So damn this site for not being easier to complain about!

I Don't Like Making Promises

Ugh, see what having a shoe week did to me? I froze up and stayed away from my blog for so long because I made a promise to write about shoes and then I felt obligated to write about stupid things.

I don't have an entire post ready just yet but I can tell you that I am scraping shoe week. I don't like themed weeks anyway so shoe week can suck my big toe! For now, I have a few small things that don't really make up a post on their own.

- Michael Jackson. If I'm going to be honest I will say that the news of his death was a little shocking. But it is not upsetting! The man has not made any decent music in over 20 years and began this descent into self-indulgent eccentricities that made him hardly recognizable as a member of the same species as me. So I will not cry for Michael nor will I write "Thriller" on my cheeks with lipstick and hold up posters at MuchMusic for all of Canada to see.

- I saw Transformers 2 last night. This really could fill up a whole post but I want to bring as little attention as possible to this fact. The movie was okay. I didn't gouge my eyes out or use sharp instruments to perforate my eardrums so I suppose there have been worse things in life. The one thing I found hilariously awkward were the two robots that were complete stereotypes of black people. One of them had a gold tooth, they said things like, "Imma bust a cap in yo ass," and when asked to decipher an ancient prophecy, they responded with, "Oh no, wes don't read at all." Thank you, Michael Bay.

- Toronto's Pride Festival is coming up this weekend. I'm not able to attend myself but I've always had mixed feelings about the festivities. I acknowledge that it's important to celebrate diversity and accept people for who they are but I can't help but feel awkward when the Pride Parade puts the Nudists of Toronto in front of the Gay Dads of Canada. I could go on for days about my issues with gay rights and stereotypes so I will stop here and write about them later.

That's it for now!